in faithfulness He has afflicted me

It’s kind of funny- once upon a time I actually thought that I had wisdom to share from my (limited) life experiences.

But here’s the life update, in brief: being part of the church is an incredible gift. God reminds me of his mercy every time I interact with someone there. The housing situation couldn’t possibly be better- I’ve never met more godly or more loving people in all my life. The work situation is good: sometimes in a Romans 8:28 kinda way, but mostly good. The college situation: slowly but surely I’m making progress and will, Lord willing, graduate with my Bachelor’s sometime in the year 2019.

It’s truly been a good season of being here. It’s been four months now, and I tell everyone I talk to that 1.) Colorado is home, and 2.) I never want to leave.

Yet, for a variety of reasons and despite my gratefulness for being here… life is still hard. When I packed my bags to move here, I packed my idol-factory heart with me (pretty sure that’s a John Calvin reference). Depression is one of the few friends that has stuck with me through thick and thin, and its old interpretations of life and the world are difficult to unravel and remove.

God has shown me, over the last seven years of my life, that I have no strength, no hope, no refuge apart from him. I can, unfortunately, say that from experience. I’ve run after what the world offers, and found that its promises are empty.┬áIn the last few months alone, God has knocked some of those idols down in a fairly major way. When I’ve tried to erect new ones, he’s ensured that those, too, fail me. Tonight’s one more night that I wanted to lean on a (good!) thing for hope and strength and found that I couldn’t.

He’s made it so that I have no alternative. Nothing and no one on this earth can satisfy or heal my broken heart, and so I must run to Him and beg him for his mercy and grace to make it through each day. I daily have to ask Him to give me Himself and beg him for a heart that wants Him more than I want what’s been taken from me. I feel like a child tugging on her Father’s hand, asking for help. In my weakness, He is all that I have.

I know, O LORD, that your rules are righteous,

and that in faithfulness you have afflicted me.

Let your steadfast love comfort me

according to your promise to your servant.

Psalm 119: 75 – 76

Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand.

You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory.

Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

For behold, those who are far from you shall perish; you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you. But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works.

Psalm 73: 23 – 28


Having said that, I think it’s worth mentioning that I’ve spent some of the darkest days of my life praying Psalm 27:13: “I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” For years, I could only ask for faith to believe that. Now I know.